I would wait a lifetime
by Dinkdidnothingwrong
Summary: All he wants to do is see Bernard again. [This is something i started typing for fun but it got super out of hand, but in a good way. I know their relationship is never stated in cannon but I think Bonzo/Bernard is a cute ship. Its shippy but it can be read as just good friends :) ] Bernard is happy to see an old friend, but is afraid of what might happen if he gets out of hand.


"He follows me Dap. Only when he thinks I'm not looking. He probably doesn't want to freak me out."

"Bernard, please. I know this is hard on you, but delusions and denials are not the way to cope with this."

"Damnit Dap, he there and he wont leave. He wants something."

" _*Sigh*_ Bernard, I'm only going to tell you this one more time. Bonzo Madrid is dead, and sadly, he is never coming back, ghostly or otherwise."  
"I thought you said he was in a coma."

"The doctors say he's alive, but I doubt if you can consider him that. Look, you need to get back to class."

Bernard stood up and sighed. Even Dap couldn't help him. It been three weeks. Eros was cold and unforgiving, and silently he wished it been here. Less humiliating for every party. More honor in it, as he would say. As he walked back to his cabin, he could feel eyes on the back of his neck. _Ignore it_ , he thought. _You're crazy enough without hallucinations._ Bernard could feel him getting closer. He would never actually touch him, but he seemed hell-bent on trying. "I know you're not here," He whispered to himself. "I just act like you are because I don't want to think about the reality of you not being here." A hand grasped his shoulder, and Bernard whipped around. Dink jumped back slightly, and he sighed in relief.

"Sorry to startle you there."  
"Its fine Meeker, just give me more of warning next time."

"We got a battle pretty soon, so…"

"Yeah, be right there." Dink walked off towards the simulator. A battle was good news, he'd never followed him there. Bernard knew he was watching though. He lingered in the doorway always, knowing not to interfere. He could forget everything, do some good old fashioned training, and deal with his problems afterwards. **You know they're lying, Perico.** Bernard froze. No, no it couldn't be. But deep in his heart Bernard knew. The accent, the nickname, it had to be him. Bernard sprinted down the hall to catch up to Dink. **I could tell you all about it, Perico, if you'd let me.** "We should probably hurry up, ho?" Dink nodded and the two headed off, Dink noticing that Bernard was crying but deciding against mentioning.

"Dink said you were crying before the battle yesterday."

"Hey, ya know what, why don't you get a bag and eat a few Dap?"

"Does this have to do with-?"

"What the else would it be for?"

"Have things escalated?" Bernard slumped lower in his chair. It was one thing to say he felt like he was there, to almost sense his presence in familiar places, but hearing the dead was a whole other issue. Dap cleared his throat, obliviously waiting for an answer. Bernard just shrugged, and Dap sighed. "Bernard, whatever you say here won't affect you beyond these doors. I cant help a worsening condition if I don't know what's happening." Bernard sat up, and Dap smiled.

"I used to have fantasies about The purple bass player in the Wiggles."

"Get the fuck out of my office."

Bernard left, snickering to himself. It was a game they used to play, the worse thing you could say to a teacher or commander. Bernard had won that game in a land slide while he rolled on the floor, the joyous, high pitched laughter just pouring out of him. Bernard grinned. Those memories were what he needed to focus on, those times when nothing mattered, when he wasn't planning Ender's demise, when the only thing that mattered was dumb jokes and unattainable dreams. **I miss you too Perico.** Bernard picked up his pace. **What was my line, something something murder, right? I was so distracted those last few games.** Bernard quickened again. _Shut up,_ he yelled in his head. _You barely heard a word I said those last few games._ **I know. I'm sorry Perico. I didn't give you enough credit for putting up with me in that last week.** Bernard was running now, turning the corner sharply. He could see the bunks. Just had to get to the others, he didn't care for them. **You were always there Perico. Even at the end. You were the last thing I saw Perico. You rushed to my side while the others stared. I'm sorry I made you cry.** Bernard ran into the bunks at full speed, noticing the approaching wall far too late. He slammed into it, his arm hitting first. Bernard slid down the wall, hissing. "Damn man, you alright?" Shen grabbed his hand and pulled him up. "The hell were you running from?" Bernad started to answer, but stopped. He could see him, clear as day. He stood at the end of the hall, exactly the same as he had looked that day. _Get out of here._ **I just want to hel-** _You've helped enough! Your helping got you killed!_ **Perico please, let me explain. You look so sickly, and its all over noth-** _No! I don't care what horrible shit the teachers are doing! At least they won't pretend to care, then chose their hate over me!_ **BERNARD!** Bernard pulled out of Shen's grip, and started towards the end of the hallway. He was glaring at him, but he wasn't angry. No, he barely ever really got angry with him. He was just frustrated. **I'm scared for you Perico.** He was speaking, but his mouth wasn't moving. **You spend all day fighting, you don't talk to the others, when Dap tries to help you you blow him off. Am I the only person who can convince you that this is no way to live?** Bernard was almost there, could almost reach him. He'd grab him and he'll disappear, the delusion disrupted and dispersed by reality. **Just be rid of me then, if you cant bear having me back. I'll be here when you're ready Perico.** Bernard's hands grasped his shoulders, and for a split second he thought he might actually be back. But sure enough he gripped nothing but air, and heart break crept over him once more. _I love you,_ he thought, hoping that he could still hear him.

"The incident, on Friday."

"Shen's a fucking snitch."

"You ran into a wall, then walked all the way down the hall, grasped the air and walked back like nothing had happened."

"The mourning do weird shit all the time. Besides, not like any of this affects my performance on the simulator."

"And how do you figure that?"

"He knows better than to follow me."

"I pray he does, go eat."

Bernard avoided the cafeteria. Loud, crowded, and filled with everyone he didn't want to see. Besides, he got talkative there, and he was supposed to be letting go finally. He sighed, and headed towards the gym. They couldn't make him go to lunch, and if he did get hungry, he'd just sneak something later. **Skipping lunch again Perico?** No. No he'd…he'd gotten rid of him. He hadn't spoken in days. _I'll eat later, LEAVE._ **I could bring you something.** _Absolutely not._ **Would an apple be okay? Can't always remember stuff like that, little preferences. Stupid ass ghost brain doesn't think its important.** _Hey BOZO, how about you do none of that, and leave like I told you!_ **Fuck you Perico.** _And stop with the nickname! You lost that when you died!_ **I've lost nothing Perico. Be careful, or I just might pull a few unexpected strings. Then we may really have an incident.** _The hell is supposed to mean?_ But he said nothing. He was gone again, and Bernard was left with the unwavering feeling something horrible would happen. He turned around starting back towards the cafeteria, but someone called his name about halfway down. "Hey, you weren't at lunch, so I figured I'd bring you this." Alia extended his hand, and in his palm sat a single red apple.

"Heh, why?"  
"I…don't really know? Just sort of felt like it, I guess." Bernard made a choking noise, but took the apple anyway. He slumped back against the wall, slid down till he hit the floor. "I'll go now…" Alai went back into the cafeteria, confused but also kind of scared. **Love you Perico.** _You fucking bastard. Never do that again._ **If you'd take care of yourself I wouldn't have to.** _I don't want your help._ Bernard hurled the apple across the room into the nearest wall. He pulled his knees up to his chest, pushing his head into them. **I'm sorry Perico, I wont do it again.** He could feel him, his arms wrapping around his torso. It was a terrible, constricting feeling, as if a snake was trying to choke him, but it was almost comforting. Bernard stayed there for what felt like an eternity. He couldn't breath, his lungs were being crushed, but that didn't matter. He was here, he was back, and Bernard was going to savor this moment for as long as he could. Eventually though, he began to fight against the hug. _Hey this is really nice but I can barely fucking breath._ His grip tightened. _Yo, seriously, its good to have you back but this hurts._ Bernard was pulled against him, and he held him against the wall. _Godamnit Madrid please!_ Specks of black danced in front of Bernard's eyes, and he squeezed him one last time. **The days are lonely without you Perico, but its not my right to bring you here. Come back to me.** He let go, and Bernard breathed in. He coughed, hunching over and hacking. Blood dripped down his chin, and he tried to stand. He fell back down, passing out from lack of oxygen. "What was I doing out here?" Alia wondered, walking out of the cafeteria. "Oh shit Bernard!" Alia rushed over, and yelled for Dink to come help lift him.

"A bruised lung."

"He's really strong."  
"I'd dismiss that if I had any other explanation for this."

"He misses me. I keep trying to shut him out."

"Do you think?"

"No. He wants to but he's a wuss. He wont do it."

"Bernard, at this point, whatever game you're playing, it needs to come to an end. I'll be back later."

"Thanks Dap."

Bernard rolled over on his side. His chest hurt, he had bruises everywhere, and of course his lungs felt like shit. "You bastard," He whispered. "you hurt me. You said you wouldn't do that." **I…** _Don't have any good way to reason around this, do yah?_ **There's nothing here Perico. Light, darkness, heat, cold, there's just nothing. I just wanted to remember what something felt like. What you felt like.** _Would it have killed you to be a little more gentle?_ **I didn't do it on purpose.** _Yeah. You never mean to do anything._ Bernard pushed his face into the pillow. It was all too much. He would never quit, too scared to leave this world. He'd haunt him till the end of his days if he didn't do something. _That thing you did in the hallway, can you do that again?_ The air crackled around him. Bernard rolled back over, and gasped. He was there. Just…sitting there, as if nothing had ever happened to him. " **Morning.** "

"Holy shit."

" **Good to see you too.** "

"Can I?" Bernard extended a hand, and he leaned forward. He grabbed his shoulder, holding it for at least a minute. He stayed this time. "I'd hug you, but after earlier…" Bernard slipped down off the cot, and he could hear that high-pitched giggle. " **I wish I could stay here. Not just cause I don't want to be dead, but the more time passes, the more I remember everything I've left behind.** " Bernard frowned. Great, so he was working off borrowed time. "I haven't exactly been very…accepting of this whole situation." " **Why should you be? I've been messing with everything, and haven't made this easy on either of us.** " "Did…did you know?" " **Not really. It was all happening so fast, you know how fights are.** " "Everyone thinks I'm crazy for missing you." " **Can't blame them.** " "Don't say that." " **Bernard, I didn't come back just to haunt you. I mean, I really just wanted to see you, not…all of this. Forgive me for earlier Perico. I wasn't thinking, and I missed you so much.** " "You miss me most of the time, don't you." " **Yeah.** " Bernard stared at him. He was there, sure, but all the things that had made him alive, the redness in his cheeks, the callus of his hands, all of it was gone. As if someone who had never met him was trying to paint the most graceful picture of him, without understanding that ever little bump and cut only made him more beautiful. " **Bernard?** " His eyes were empty, the endless dark depths replaced by a dull dark brown. His tank top and sweats were pristine, no longer littered with years-old stains. It was him, it had to be him, but it was only what he'd let himself be. Clean. Pretty. Dead. " **Please don't be upset Perico.** " "Ce sera un moment, mais je reviendrai à vous." Bernard wrapped his arms around him, feeling him disappear in his grip. **I'll see you again one day, Perico.** _Come back to me, I'll love you forever._ **You'll be waiting a long time Perico.**

And he waited. He waited an entire lifetime, full of fear and war and joy and love. And one day, he found himself in an old body, one that he hadn't had in ages, and found himself in a place with no light or darkness, no heat or cold. Across the way he could see an old friend, with redness in his cheeks and callouses on his hands, deep dark eyes and stained clothes, bruises and cuts and bumps. Every last bit of him was wonderfully alive, and despite the absence of self, he could feel tears of joy running down his cheeks.

"Told you I'd wait."

" **I didn't doubt you Perico.** "

"So, um, can I have an another try? I only got 25% completion."

"Nunca en verdad te fuiste, ¿verdad?"

"Pas même proche."

And off they went together into the nothing and everything, and for a long time, something many would call eternity, they were happy.


End file.
